SEMINARY ASSIGNMENT: In addition to weekly reflection papers loosely based on in-class lectures (see previous post), we've also been assigned a 3 page Self Evaluation of our current practices that nurture our relationship with God. The following is my paper. It's meant to be a personal/reflection type paper, very non-academic.
I’m currently in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, as requested by the instructions in the assignment; to spend some time in prayer where it’s quiet. I found a moderately quiet stream to sit near and throw rocks in. As requested, I came here to make a serious assessment of myself. I totally see the benefits of asking God to give me insight into my present condition as it relates to my relationship with Him and spiritual disciplines. In addition to the benefits, I also feel/felt very apprehensive about the task. The apprehension comes from the fact that I am certain that I will get a failing grade. It’s hard enough that I know I will give myself a failing grade, but the thought of sitting quietly before God to listen to Him point out my lack does not sound very appealing. It actually scares me.
Now, I’m sitting at a Starbucks to jot down my thoughts about my prayer time by the streem. I won’t lie. I felt guilty. I clearly have not been doing a consistently good job when it comes any practice that builds my relationship with God. I took some time to beat myself up. I wasn’t very lenient. I told myself that my behavior was unacceptable. My mind played back the scenes of every preacher and wise person who’s told me about the importance of prayer, worship, fasting, scripture reading and so forth. I should have listened to them! I wasn’t very nice to myself. I called myself some bad names. My opinion of me was low. Very low.
What did God think? Well, at first, I was very hesitant to give God any space to talk to me. For quite awhile I half talked down to myself while half talking so that God would hear me. Then I moved into a time where I simply told Him what I thought of my lack of discipline in areas that I know are beneficial to my life and our future. I talked a lot, sometimes out loud, in such a way that I wouldn’t allow any space in my sentences for God to interject or say anything. I talked and talked to God, knowing that if I gave Him any room to speak He would talk down to me and agree with all that I already know to be true. I kept talking about myself until I began to hear myself sound more pathetic than I actually felt. Too much talking about oneself is pathetic.
I’m not, generally, one of those people who wrestle with whether or not he/she does enough to please God. I view myself as one of those people who values relationships over activities/doing/tasks. So, when it comes to a neglected relationship with God, I am very aware when I’ve not lived up to my part of the relationship. Over the last year I’ve really done a poor job of doing the things in life that I know nurture my relationship with God. Truthfully, there have been several times in recent memory when I’ve wondered if God has given up on me, but that may be for a different reflection paper.
Finally, I decided to accept my fate before God and I tried to be quiet enough to listen. After about 4 seconds I started thinking about 20 things that I still had to do once I got home. I realized that I was allowing more noise in my mind and heart that could easily drown out anything that God would want to say and I realized that this has become quite the habit for me lately. I began to realize that I hadn’t been silent in a long time. Oh, I’ve been quiet on the outside, but really noisy on the inside. I realized that I’ve neglected the internal muscles needed to be silent enough before God to actually hear what He might be saying. As I was having this internal conversation with myself I realized that I still wasn’t being silent. Even though I was contemplating something in my life that is good to contemplate, I still hadn’t been silent. That has been a problem for me lately. So, I tried again… and literally 30 seconds later my mind was racing with thoughts of “this” and “that”. So, I tried again. This time I was silent enough to feel like God spoke to me saying, “I like confession”. Whoa! That was something! I quickly began to talk to myself about all that could mean to me. It took me quite awhile to realize how quickly I had stopped listening and how quickly I began to talk to myself about all my ideas about the significance of that statement. I even began to figure out how I might tell this story in a sermon someday. But, I had stopped listening. Listening is vital to a relationship. So, I confessed that I had stopped listening. God likes confession.
My time by the stream came to an end without much further progress. The only other thing that I could settle down enough to hear from God was the idea that repentance should be my next step. And since my understanding of repentance is not something that could be done by the stream, I drove to Starbucks to write this paper. This paper is a confession. What I intend to do after this paper is called repentance. My intent is to change the direction in which I have been headed. It was direction that was away from most of the practices that nurture my relationship with God. I know myself well enough to know that I shouldn’t make any grandiose promises about how I will pray for 3 hours every day after reading the scriptures for 2 hours. I’ve simply set my heart to “do better”. I simply am committed to going a different direction. I’ve not set goals other than that.
I can’t remember the last time that I sat down at the piano or with my guitar simply to sing a song to God. I may do that again. I may pray tonight and try not to do all the talking. The next time I read the scriptures (even if it’s for school), I may try to actually apply it to my life rather than only think of how I could teach it to people someday. I haven’t prayed with my wife in a long time; I should do that. Regardless of what activity I choose, it will be chosen by a person who’s going a new direction. I want my life to be centered around Jesus. The apostle Paul said that he wants to know Christ and the power of His resurrection. Well, me too. I want to know the power of His resurrection, because I have plenty of dead parts that need new life.
