Spiritual Formation 10: CONFESSION

The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works.

• Augstine of Hippo
  

This week's reading about Spiritual Formation has to do with Confession. This isn't my favorite topic! This makes me nervous. This makes me nervous because of what's in you, not because of what's in me. I view the believing-community as one that is full of sinners before it's a community of saints. From my perspective, we all have done shameful things. To discover that one person or another has done something awful does not surprise me or catch me off guard very often. I am well aware of the condition of mankind. We are off track, we are deprived, we do horrible things… this is why we need a savior. As a pastor, people have let me into their lives and trusted me with their secrets.

I think confession is amazingly powerful, but it requires so much vulnerability!

I'm not convinced that the majority of Christians can break free from the bonds of hypocrisy. Many people think that others are more spiritual than themselves. People often view themselves as the only ones who aren't living holy lives and continue to struggle with many things. This is especially true as people think of Pastors. It seems that Pastors aren't supposed to have faults, struggles, or sins. They must have it all together or they shouldn't be a pastor. This view of others in the Christian community make it very difficult for many people to confess their own sins and isolation becomes rampant.

But what if we saw our community as one that is full of sinners? Would the power of mutual confession bring healing and victory? One of the reasons that the Celebrate Recovery movement is so powerful is that these people start by identifying themselves as broken and in need. On the other hand, how many people walk into church communicating that they are broken and needy? We put on our best clothes. Even if our spouse has irritated us, we put on our best smile as we shake hands, give hugs and sing happy songs. We view church as a community of saints. I can't tell you how many people that I've met over the years who have actually told me that they don't want to go to church because they aren't "good enough". Even the non-believers get the impression that church-goers are really good people. What part does that lack of confession play into this tragic situation?

I think that Confession is the number one most important spiritual formation discipline for the American church. I think it's more important that going to church on Sundays (gasp!) or praying or reading the bible. I think that mutual confession should lead us to church, to bible reading and to prayer.

At the same time, I'm the Chief Resistor to confession. I can be completely honest with God about all the wretched stuff inside of me. But, I confess, that I'm not so ready to confess to you.

 

Spiritual Formation 09: Retreat

Silent Retreat:

Part of the requirements for my Spiritual Formation Class was to take a Spiritual {Silent} Retreat, and then we are to add the event to our Journal.

I went to my "normal" spot near Bass Lake. I hiked up the trails, along the water. I wish that my retreat could have been near the Ocean, but the mountains are too shabby. There isn't a ton to report regarding this event. I began by appreciate the beauty of God's creation. By "appreciate" I mean that I actually told God "Thank You" over and over for many specific things that I saw. I felt that a generalized, catch-all "thank you" would be way too shallow. So, for the birds and the sounds that they made I said, "Wow, thanks". For the Water, I was thankful for its beauty and the sounds that it made, and then I was grateful for its life-giving qualities. I made notes of the things for which I was grateful (I've since lost the notes). I went on and on like this for a long time. I was reminded of several scripture verses about thankfulness – "in everything give thanks" and references that I found in the Psalms. My thankfulness began to turn into praise and worship. Then I began to sing songs. This went on for a long time as I walked and paid close attention to God's creation.

Additionally, I took time to make confessions to God about my own life. I noted this as an interesting chronology; after I spent a great amount of time praising and thanking God, I realized my own smallness in comparison to God. I didn't focus on my smallness as a woe-is-me type of realization. Rather, I felt quite secure in God. My smallness was in stark contrast to God's otherness, and that turned into a focus on my own needs. I was acutely aware that the only real changes in my life could happen because of God. I was very aware of my own powerlessness to forgive my own sin or to save my own soul. I also was quite aware that I wanted God's help concerning difficult things/decisions to be made. I was aware that the best thing for my children would be for me to have God's insight into their lives and their needs. So, I asked God for help and insight and wisdom and strength and so on. The same for my wife – The same for myself.

This was basically my retreat. I enjoyed my time. I didn't feel like I had some earth-shaking revelation, but as I said, I did enjoy the time away fully focused on God, His creation and His works in my life.

Me n Eddie

Weekly McDonalds stop

Why couldn't it be a weekly Chipotle stop??

Stupid football!

Sometime o HATE this sport

My Best Friend

Trade for Boardwalk and Park Place?

I'll throw in $2,000 in monopoly money

Spiritual Formation 08: FASTING

Can I be honest? I really don’t like fasting.

I can’t say that I’ve ever had a good experience fasting. I’m hungry all time, I’m irritable and I’ve never experienced a breakthrough like other people have talked about. Truthfully, I don’t feel like I’m a very good Christian when I start talking like this.

On the other hand, I can see clearly why fasting can be a good discipline for spiritual formation.

Anyway, here are some of my thoughts concerning fasting as I interact with the topic in my Spiritual Formation class. I’m not convinced that fasting is a requirement for Christians. I don’t think that’s it’s commanded in the bible. I don’t think it’s ‘up there’ with The Lord’s Supper or even on par with singing praise-songs. I do think that fasting is good, but not required. I recognize that fasting has long been a benefit to Christians throughout history, but up to this point, I personally have not found fasting to be worth the effort. It’s at this point that all the highly spiritual and disciplined Christians scold me for uttering these words.

I believe the scriptures when they say that mankind doesn’t live on bread alone, but by the words of God. Ultimately, I believe that God, not food, sustains me. In a very real sense I don’t need food more than I need God. So, in this sense my fasting experiences are a sign or a symbol to me and to God that I need God more than I need food. As a matter of fact, I need God MUCH more than I need food. Ultimately, God will sustain me for eternity. At some point in my life food will fail to have any sustaining qualities at all.

I remember that once I had heard a teaching about fasting and this phrase has stuck with me. “While fasting, we aren’t meant to be fasting FROM something, but we are to be fasting TOWARD something”. I pondered this statement and I think that I agree. I think that a fast that is intended to be an experience related to Spiritual Formation should not be reduced to a phrase like, “I’m fasting from red meat, sugar, or alcohol.” I think that a big point to fasting should not be what we are fasting from. I think coming from that angle cheapens/lessens the impact of the fast. The focus shouldn’t be what we are giving up, but on something ahead of us. The focus shouldn’t be on what food we are missing, but it should be about what we are missing! In other words, there’s a very real sense that we are ‘giving something up’ (food), but the focus might be better if it was surrounded by what spiritual need (i.e. confession, repentance or prayer)we’ve given up– what spiritual things have been missing in our lives. So, in that sense, fasting may be best if it’s focused on what we are fasting TOWARD, which should be something vital to our lives that we currently don’t have, but that we desire to have.

This has not been my favorite topic to discuss. Maybe that means I should engage it more?

Photo op with Taylor L.

He's such a stud

Warm blueberry scone. Gold Coast coffee. Chapter on fasting. Irony.

Warm blueberry scone. Gold Coast coffee. Chapter on fasting. Irony

Me and Eddie

He looks so much older these days

Spiritual Formation 06

WHAT: I am taking a class in Seminary called “Spiritual Formation”. One assignment is to write about a page worth of thoughts that interact with content of each lecture and readings or somehow connect with my own spiritual formation. It’s meant to be more introspective than scholastic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I missed class last week, so my Spiritual Formation reflection will be based on our assigned reading - Richard Fosters chapter seven titled "The Discipline of Solitude" (found in his book, Celebration of Discipline). On a side note, I've read this book before (many years ago) and I would not hesitate to recommend it to any/everyone.

On another side note, I bought this book via amazon.com and it was previously owned, aka "used". The book was in incredible condition, no marks, dog ears, or coffee stains, except for chapter seven. The previous owner made several marks in chapter seven, but in no other chapter.

CHAPTER SEVEN – The Discipline of Solitude.

"Settle yourself in solitude and you will come upon Him in yourself."

--- Teresa of Avila

My Interaction with the above statement: (which are the first words in the chapter) is that it's only true for Christians. I think that there is plenty of biblical material concerning God dwelling in believers, but the same is not true for non-believers. The amazing experience of finding God WITHIN is only a benefit (and it's a great benefit!) to true followers of Jesus. Yes, we were all created in God's image, but that's not to say that the Holy Spirit, in a very literal sense, dwells inside an unregenerate person. When you add that with Paul's insistence that we are "in Christ", Christians are unique to all humanity in this way: we are in Christ and Christ in us. It's in this way that solitude can lead to an informed investigation of God's dealing in us and our dealing with God; Spiritual Formation is the result.

I liked how the author differentiated solitude from loneliness. He calls loneliness and "inner emptiness" while he describes solitude as an important factor for inner fulfillment.

The author brings up Dietrich Bonheoffer's, Life Together, to point out his consecutive chapters titled, "The Day Together" and "The Day Alone". This provided a certain amount of motivation and conviction for me as he describes how both Day's are essential for spiritual success. I found this quote from the Bonheoffer to be very profound.

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community"

"Let him who is not in community beware of being alone"

--- Dietrich Bonheoffer

I think that the person who can't be alone will have a very difficult time addressing the brokenness found in their inner world. The person who can't be in community will probably struggle some sort of self-infatuation. Both extremes will inevitably cause problems for spiritual formation. I have a personal acquaintance with both extremes; I have flirted with both camps over the years. Currently, I'm in a situation where solitude is more prominent than community. I own some responsibility for being in this solitude-heavy situation…

…On the other hand, I have grown to believe that God has brought me to what St. John of the Cross called, A Dark Night of the Soul. Richard Foster devotes some time to this in my reading for the week. If God is indeed part of this Dark Night, then it's to be expected that my life would (for a time) be more focused on Solitude than Community... not to the exclusion of community (I'm not advocating extremes).

To end this journal entry, I want to point out what the previous owner of my book found important enough to mark…

"Therefore, we must seek out the recreating stillness of solitude if we want to be with others meaningfully."

--- Richard Foster

Spiritual Formation 05

WHAT: I am taking a class in Seminary called “Spiritual Formation”. One assignment is to write about a page worth of thoughts that interact with content of each lecture and readings or somehow connect with my own spiritual formation. It’s meant to be more introspective than scholastic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week in my Spiritual Formations Class we had an artist come who began the lecture by making this assertion:

While engaging in the creative process for the purpose of Spiritual Formation…

1. We understand ourselves better

2. Hear God better

3. Experience less temptation

We basically spent the rest of the class time interacting with his assertion.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

First, the professor made a very important observation on what is meant by "the creative process". He made a strong case for the inclusion of other things besides art in the term "creative". He suggested that problem solving is an engagement of the creative process. So, anytime we are wrestling with what to do with one of our children's struggles, we are engaged in the creative process. A business man who is implementing new strategies for the company is engaging the creative process.

So, what would happen if we engaged the creative process for the purpose of our own Spiritual Formation?

WE UNDERSTAND OURSELVES BETTER.

I think that this must be true. I consider myself an artist – one of those "creative-types". In the creative process it's not difficult at all to understand how I am involved. For example, if I'm writing a song, it's easy to see what kind of mood I'm in or what themes are resonating with me at the moment. I think that if a person were to make an attempt to understand oneself while in the creative process, it will probably enhance both the quality of the art and the needs or victories of the artist.

WE HEAR GOD BETTER

Imagine writing a song, a poem or a story. Any creative process (done with spiritual formation in mind) could easily lead to "hearing" God. If it's problem solving a touchy issue with your child or your spouse, it's easy to see how God could be heard. Crafting a song or a poem would require contemplation about God, his perspectives or his desires. In song writing I can learn about my current view of God… as a tyrant, as a lover, as magnificent?

EXPERIENCE LESS TEMPTATION

This assertion seemed the most like a "duh" moment. I think that anything that we do for spiritual formation focuses us on God and godly things so that while engaged we experience less temptation.

Overall, I enjoyed this angle on Spiritual Formation. I felt like it validated some of my own creative efforts with writing, photography and music. Even though life is so busy and difficult, I think that I now have some permission to work on my spiritual formation via the creative process without feeling guilty – like I should be doing something "better" with my time other than playing my guitar or taking a photo. Additionally, with the myriad of challenges as a father and a husband, I can take time engaging some of the problem-solving as an exercise in spiritual formation. So, rather than simply trying to fix something or make a good decision, I can engage the entire process as a way to understand ME, hear GOD and experience less temptation.

Spiritual Formation 4

WHAT: I am taking a class in Seminary called “Spiritual Formation”. One assignment is to write about a page worth of thoughts that interact with content of each lecture and readings or somehow connect with my own spiritual formation. It’s meant to be more introspective than scholastic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This past week in my Spiritual Formations Class, we had a lecture about Lectio Divina (Wiki Article here). After the lecture we were given about 35 minutes to interact with Mark 1:1-13. Read the verse at this link.

This week's Journal entry is a recap of what I did, what I saw and what I prayed.

Part One: Lectio (Reading)

I read the passage through about 20 times. That was a lot of times to read it, but I found that I kept getting distracted in the room with 20+ other students who were doing the same thing. I could hear chairs squeak. I was thinking about all the things that I needed to get done. I had a hard time quieting my inner world enough to engage the scripture (much like my initial Spiritual Formation Assessment when I wrote about my time near the stream). I found that reading it over and over began to help me focus on the scripture.. I noticed that the word "Desert" appeared four times. I also noticed that I've felt like I've been in a desert. The similarity intrigued me, now I was really engaged.

Part Two: Meditatio (Meditate)

I began to chew on the words I was reading. I began to become more and more interested in the meaning behind the words. I noticed things like how Mark considered the beginning of the Gospel of Jesus (Verse 1) was in Isaiah. For Mark the beginning wasn't with genealogies and the Birth Narrative like Matthew and Luke. Nor was the beginning found "in the beginning" like John. Mark saw the beginning in Isaiah who foresaw a forerunner for Jesus who ended up being John The Baptist. I noticed other curious things like how Mark asserts that the "whole" Judean countryside and "all" of Jerusalem. I noticed that The Trinity appears at the baptism; Jesus in the water, God's voice and the Spirit as a dove. I thought was pretty cool until I read something I've never noticed… Apparently it was only Jesus who saw the heaven torn open and only Jesus who heard the voice from heaven. I found that to be a bit disconcerting.

Part Three Oratio (Prayer)

Next, in this discipline, we are meant to pray. It is meant to be a dialogue. It's meant to be deep like a bride and groom. It's meant to be close like a friend to a friend. It's also meant to be a prayer from a servant to God and vise versa. Among other things, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would help me to pray. I found myself praying that God would allow me to be used in a similar sense that John the Baptist was used. I know that he "prepared the way" for the flesh-and-blood Jesus on earth, but I asked if God would use me to help prepare people for Jesus work in their lives and hearts. I asked God to think about allowing the "whole" of Judea and "all" of Jerusalem to come hear what I would have to say about Jesus. I prayed that that would never happen for MY sake, but for God and His Glory.

Part Four Contemplatio (Contemplation)

In this stage we are meant to sit in a wordless time of contemplation. We are meant to simply rest in God's presence. It was at this point that I while I excitedly prayed about being like John The Baptist I realized that I had forgotten that he was beheaded.

Spiritual Formation 3

WHAT: I am taking a class in Seminary called “Spiritual Formation”. One assignment is to write about a page worth of thoughts that interact with content of each lecture and readings or somehow connect with my own spiritual formation. It’s meant to be more introspective than scholastic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of the variety of things that we read this week, my mind keeps coming back to two things which I expect will comprise the entirety of this journal entry.

THE FIRST has to do with prayer; I have been reading about prayer from a wide variety of people and time periods. I've always valued prayer as a spontaneous activity. I value that at any time and any place I can talk to God about what I want. I like that I don't have to have the 'perfect' words in order that God will hear me or understand me. I know that God sees my heart and that on a certain level the words that I use don't even matter that much! I love this about God.

A passionate, unplanned, and unrehearsed prayer has always been a very beautiful thing to me. As I think about it, I think I've viewed many of the Psalms to be like this.

I was reading some of the work of Evelyn Underhill and she suggested that we stop and make preparations to pray. She suggests that we craft and plan out our prayers. I've always been very resistant to this. I've never really like reading the prayers of the church fathers or anyone for that matter (unless it was found in the bible). I haven't put much thought into my reasons for the resistance, but I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I've thought that once a prayer has been prayed, it loses a little bit of its potency or something. A prayer that was written down lacked the spontaneous, from-the-heart feel to it. In the same vein, I've never really liked the idea of either writing down my prayers or planning them out in advance, but today I think I may see the value in that sort of thing.

After all, we carefully plan the songs that we write for God, can't we do the same for our prayers? Are songs and prayers really that different?

Underhill suggests that planning out our prayers (not all of them) engage our intellect. It helps us to think about what we want to say, ask or declare in a way that will ultimately enhance the experience. So, I think to engage something new in my spiritual formation, I will spend time thinking through and writing out a prayer. I will take some time to consciously avoid the passionate, unplanned, and unrehearsed prayer in favor of a passionate, intelligent, well-thought out prayer. Additionally, I will write one down.

SECOND: One of our readings was some writings of Soren Kierkegaard. We read a collection of prayers (see above about my previous distaste for written prayers). In one of the prayers he asks God to not be patient in light of his mankind's childish behavior. He went on to talk about gratitude and about how we don't really have adequate words to be genuinely thankful… then he likened us to that of a mistaken child who is only grateful when he gets his own way.

I have a teenage son and I've been thinking a lot lately about his lack of gratitude… which I think is a serious problem for him. He is quick to be grateful for rides here and there. He almost always shows gratitude for food. But I've been thinking about his lack of gratitude for bigger things that people do for him.

In light of my negative assessment of my sons gratitude muscles, the Kiergegaard statement had a sting to my own heart...I read that statement from Kierkegaard as if I am childish in my gratitude. I think that I am that "mistaken child" who is often only grateful when I get my way. In one sense, a person SHOULD be grateful for things that go their way, but my gratitude muscles have failed to acknowledge the source (God) in a meaningful way.

Follow me here: I am very happy that I have a place to live right now. I truly am grateful that I live with my parents and my family isn't out on the streets trying to survive. I am really, really, heart-felt grateful for this!! I have even thanked God for this – multiple times. But I feel like I've not entered a higher level in my gratitude. I have been thankful that I've gotten 'my way' – a place to live. What I haven't been thankful for is that I've gotten God's way. There are deeper layers of gratitude that I haven't tapped into in a long time. I may have thanked God for supplying my needs, but I've stopped short of thanking God for keeping me in HIS plan; for leading me to something that He wants. One level (on which I've been stuck) has me being thankful for what feels comfortable or what keeps me from feeling too awkward, this level of gratitude is based on myself, my personal comforts. On another level, I've not connected with the big picture of God who is getting what He wants, which in turn benefits me much more deeply than personal comforts.

So, I think my son should be thankful that he gets to live at home (the lower level of gratitude), but I also think that He should be thankful that I've saved him from some incredibly serious heartache and pain as he did something that I wanted (the higher level). And it's not just that living at home is what I want in some narcissistic-power-hungry sort of way, but because I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that following my plan in this situation is the absolute best possible thing for him. So, just as he should be grateful that I 'got' my way in his life; In the same exact way, I should be grateful that God gets his way in my life… and I should not like a mistaken child who is only thankful when he gets his own way.

Spritual Formation - 2

WHAT: I am taking a class in Seminary called “Spiritual Formation”. One assignment is to write about a page worth of thoughts that interact with content of each lecture and readings or somehow connect with my own spiritual formation. It’s meant to be more introspective than scholastic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of my assigned readings is from a book called, SACRED TRAVELS by Christian George. The section that I read had to do with the use of Pilgrimage and Rest as a tool for Spiritual Formation. If I’m honest, I got restless, irritable and mildly jealous as I read. Apparently I have Spiritual forming to do! The author said all kinds of wonderful things about the benefits of Pilgrimage. About how a soul can benefit from time away from a normal, hectic, draining existence to rediscover faith, love, and to be in a better frame of mind to respond to what God wants to do deep in a soul. He described his journey to Skellig Michael and the wonderful things that God did for him there. Call me Pathetic Joe, because although I appreciated his story, I was fixated on how impossible a Pilgrimage would be for me now or in the near future. I kept wondering about the practical aspects of time, kids, and finances; how to poor people do a Pilgrimage? Are they reserved for the wealthy?

I was slightly encouraged as the author talked of some thoughts he had as he was ascending the 1,230 feet to Wartburg Castle. I related very well as he wrote,

"I questioned my Christianity... What if I woke up one morning and everything I'd placed my hope in had been proved false? Was I on track with God? Could I feel confident in my salvation?"

Martin Luther once had a “friend” who kidnapped him and brought him, blindfolded, to this Castle. It was here that Martin Luther may have done the most significant work of his life as finished his translation of the Bible so that every German could read it for themselves. But it was also here that Martin Luther fought the Devil. It was here that he dealt with very deep and dark depression. Although, I am no Martin Luther, I am in a pretty dark, depressing place in my life. So, maybe, hopefully, this is part of my Pilgrimage; a free Pilgrimage, because I can’t pay for elaborate trips to Monasteries in Ireland or famous Castles in Germany. This is where I’m at right now, in Fresno. Woot. Woot.

Have you ever heard of “The Dark Night of the Soul”? My assigned readings took me to an excerpt from some great writing by John of the Cross. If you can’t tell from my writings, I am currently in a pretty dark place. I have a bunch of “why?” kind of questions. My Hope is still firmly in Christ, but if I’m honest, He seems really far away right now. The monk known as John of the Cross says that people who follow God will often be taken, by Him, to a deeper, “more advanced” stage in his/her spiritual life. He calls this stage, “The Dark Night”. He suggests that a person will, “lose all the pleasure that they once experienced in their devotional life”. He talks about 7 sins that God will address during this difficult period. One that stuck out to me was Pride: He speaks of it in the sense of “spiritual pride”. The part that stuck out to me was when John talks of how this person should learn humility; they will learn to think very little of themselves or their religious works. Well, that’s me; I just have a hard time spinning it as positively as John. I currently have a pretty small opinion of myself or my abilities as a pastor or a Christian. To summarize the results of this “Dark Night”, he says this,

“…pride becomes humility, greed becomes simplicity, wrath becomes contentment, luxury becomes peace, gluttony becomes moderation, envy becomes joy, and sloth becomes strength.”

Each one of those pairs has become incredibly significant to me. I relate.

In my estimation, my current spiritual formation has me in something very similar to this “Dark Night”. And in my estimation, it will probably get darker before it’s over. But somehow that doesn’t depress me.

Koran burning is stupid. Flood Relief is not stupid.

|Koran Burning| -99 life.

|Helping flood victims in Pakistan| +99 intelligence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's say this together, out loud.

BURNING THE KORAN IS STUPID

I'm so grateful for a nation that values freedom of religion. I'm glad that it's not illegal to burn the Koran, but let's be honest, it's not a smart thing to do. So, maybe I should also acknowledge that freedom of religion and freedom of speech leaves room for the freedom to act stupidly.

As much as it's possible, I would like to distance myself from that church in Florida which plans to burn the Koran on September 11, 2010. I am a Christian, but I do not wish to be associated with those people who also call themselves Christians. I fear that there are millions of people in the world who would not be able to separated my Christianity from the Koran-burning-type of Christianity.

But in an attempt to separate myself, I would like to offer up a Koran Burning Alternative (heretofore known as KBA).

My friend Lucinda has created a group and a method to support flood relief in Pakistan. Keep in mind that Pakistan is an Islamic nation. Yes. Send money to this Islamic nation.

In the words of Lucinda:

" We can help individuals regain homes and livelihoods, give food and clean water and prevent the deaths of countless children. How? Simply by giving up what we might spend on Starbucks for the week, or the cost of a movie ticket. "

Testing my Prayers

i often wonder
how much i could say in a place
like this without sounding
more pathetic than i really am.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to say a prayer that went something like this:

Dear God,

If you never did anything else for me for the rest of my life, I would still serve, love and follow you with all of my heart because of all that you've done for me this far.

I think God is testing me on this.

Spiritual Formation - a Self-Evaluation

SEMINARY ASSIGNMENT: In addition to weekly reflection papers loosely based on in-class lectures (see previous post), we've also been assigned a 3 page Self Evaluation of our current practices that nurture our relationship with God. The following is my paper. It's meant to be a personal/reflection type paper, very non-academic.

I’m currently in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, as requested by the instructions in the assignment; to spend some time in prayer where it’s quiet. I found a moderately quiet stream to sit near and throw rocks in. As requested, I came here to make a serious assessment of myself. I totally see the benefits of asking God to give me insight into my present condition as it relates to my relationship with Him and spiritual disciplines. In addition to the benefits, I also feel/felt very apprehensive about the task. The apprehension comes from the fact that I am certain that I will get a failing grade. It’s hard enough that I know I will give myself a failing grade, but the thought of sitting quietly before God to listen to Him point out my lack does not sound very appealing. It actually scares me.

Now, I’m sitting at a Starbucks to jot down my thoughts about my prayer time by the streem. I won’t lie. I felt guilty. I clearly have not been doing a consistently good job when it comes any practice that builds my relationship with God. I took some time to beat myself up. I wasn’t very lenient. I told myself that my behavior was unacceptable. My mind played back the scenes of every preacher and wise person who’s told me about the importance of prayer, worship, fasting, scripture reading and so forth. I should have listened to them! I wasn’t very nice to myself. I called myself some bad names. My opinion of me was low. Very low.

What did God think? Well, at first, I was very hesitant to give God any space to talk to me. For quite awhile I half talked down to myself while half talking so that God would hear me. Then I moved into a time where I simply told Him what I thought of my lack of discipline in areas that I know are beneficial to my life and our future. I talked a lot, sometimes out loud, in such a way that I wouldn’t allow any space in my sentences for God to interject or say anything. I talked and talked to God, knowing that if I gave Him any room to speak He would talk down to me and agree with all that I already know to be true. I kept talking about myself until I began to hear myself sound more pathetic than I actually felt. Too much talking about oneself is pathetic.

I’m not, generally, one of those people who wrestle with whether or not he/she does enough to please God. I view myself as one of those people who values relationships over activities/doing/tasks. So, when it comes to a neglected relationship with God, I am very aware when I’ve not lived up to my part of the relationship. Over the last year I’ve really done a poor job of doing the things in life that I know nurture my relationship with God. Truthfully, there have been several times in recent memory when I’ve wondered if God has given up on me, but that may be for a different reflection paper.

Finally, I decided to accept my fate before God and I tried to be quiet enough to listen. After about 4 seconds I started thinking about 20 things that I still had to do once I got home. I realized that I was allowing more noise in my mind and heart that could easily drown out anything that God would want to say and I realized that this has become quite the habit for me lately. I began to realize that I hadn’t been silent in a long time. Oh, I’ve been quiet on the outside, but really noisy on the inside. I realized that I’ve neglected the internal muscles needed to be silent enough before God to actually hear what He might be saying. As I was having this internal conversation with myself I realized that I still wasn’t being silent. Even though I was contemplating something in my life that is good to contemplate, I still hadn’t been silent. That has been a problem for me lately. So, I tried again… and literally 30 seconds later my mind was racing with thoughts of “this” and “that”. So, I tried again. This time I was silent enough to feel like God spoke to me saying, “I like confession”. Whoa! That was something! I quickly began to talk to myself about all that could mean to me. It took me quite awhile to realize how quickly I had stopped listening and how quickly I began to talk to myself about all my ideas about the significance of that statement. I even began to figure out how I might tell this story in a sermon someday. But, I had stopped listening. Listening is vital to a relationship. So, I confessed that I had stopped listening. God likes confession.

My time by the stream came to an end without much further progress. The only other thing that I could settle down enough to hear from God was the idea that repentance should be my next step. And since my understanding of repentance is not something that could be done by the stream, I drove to Starbucks to write this paper. This paper is a confession. What I intend to do after this paper is called repentance. My intent is to change the direction in which I have been headed. It was direction that was away from most of the practices that nurture my relationship with God. I know myself well enough to know that I shouldn’t make any grandiose promises about how I will pray for 3 hours every day after reading the scriptures for 2 hours. I’ve simply set my heart to “do better”. I simply am committed to going a different direction. I’ve not set goals other than that.

I can’t remember the last time that I sat down at the piano or with my guitar simply to sing a song to God. I may do that again. I may pray tonight and try not to do all the talking. The next time I read the scriptures (even if it’s for school), I may try to actually apply it to my life rather than only think of how I could teach it to people someday. I haven’t prayed with my wife in a long time; I should do that. Regardless of what activity I choose, it will be chosen by a person who’s going a new direction. I want my life to be centered around Jesus. The apostle Paul said that he wants to know Christ and the power of His resurrection. Well, me too. I want to know the power of His resurrection, because I have plenty of dead parts that need new life.