My last blog produced some of the most vulnerable discussion that I've ever been involved in while blogging. My E-mail box was flooded with responses that (rightly so) weren't exactly appropriate for a "comment". I'm still sorting through them.
The discussion sparked some additional thoughts that I'd like to share before I post my next blog in "My Journey".
The Setup:
As I mentioned in my last blog, I had some good friends who left Axis because I did something that was hurtful to them.
Bare with me as I try to be extra clear:
1. What I "did" to them was not immoral, sinful or otherwise devious. But I DID hurt them.
2. Both parties agree that what I did was inadvertent.
3. Once my offense was explained to me, I was immediately understanding and apologetic.
4. They immediately left their church responsibilities and never returned to Axis.
5. The friendship is over.
6. Personally speaking, I expect that authentic relationships will involve being getting hurt by other people. I endeavor in friendships even when I'm hurt by them because that's what I would want from them.
7. I feel like there was no grace from them and that they expected their pastor to be perfect.
I think it's situations like this that pave the way for pastors to abuse their wives, get addicted to porn, have affairs or leave their God-given calling altogether out of heart-break.
Ultimately, the situation that I described in my last blog (and summarized above) isn't about, "poor Joe" or simply feeling sorry for myself. Ultimately, it's the pressure for perfection that hurts me deepest. Also, I see the damage this does to pastors world-wide.
Let Me Explain What I Mean:
I've known countless people who have left their churches because the pastor said, "fill in the blank". If it's not something they said, then it was something that they did. I think there are literally thousands of people who will go to a different church next week because a pastor "said" or "did" something that wasn't good.
I'm not talking about the pastor saying or doing something sinful, immoral, or devious. Simply that he did something that wasn't good, great, or beneficial.
I think that things like this begin to mold a pastor into someone he never thought he'd become. I think that the majority of pastors learn quickly to be VERY concerned about who they allow to know the REAL person that they are. Pastors become guarded very quickly. Pastors learn that there are very significant consequences to the "church" when they are anything less than perfect. This pressure is enormous.
When pastors become guarded, then they isolate themselves. Isolated people always develop any one of a hundred different problems. Isolated people don't deal with the real issues that life brings our way. Isolated people are lonely people. Lonely people do desperate things.
Anger can't be dealt with in isolation and often turns into bitterness or rage. I once knew a youth pastor who went to jail (and lost his job) because he attacked his wife with a baseball bat. They both, obviously, once had manageable problems that turned into some something destructive. Most pastors won't admit when they are having marriage problems.
Why don't most pastors admit that they are having marriage problems? I think the number one reason is an unwritten expectation that they must "have it all together". I do not think that pastors put this unwritten expectation on themselves. I think you/we put that expectation on them.
I knew a pastor that had an affair.
I've heard that 20% of pastors are addicted to pornography.
I remember hearing that over 80% of pastors say that they have few or no "close personal friends". After my brief try at being a senior pastor, I can understand why. They leave you over the stupidest things.
To Reiterate:
The point of my last blog was about hearing God tell me that I can't control what other people do or don't do. I can only control my own actions and reactions. God isn't promising me a life void of close-personal upheaval.
I must fight to stay vulnerable. I must and I mean MUST resist the need to pretend. (although I do think people need to be appropriate - being honest/vulnerable doesn't mean people have a license to air dirty laundry in inappropriate places or times).
My fear is that I will never find a church that agrees with me or would want me to be their pastor.
Here's What I Think:
1. I think that you should become committed to what God is doing in your church. I don't think that your commitment should be to the pastor of your church.
2. Expect your pastor(s) to screw up.
3. If a pastor appears to be perfect, he's far from it... there's a real person in there somewhere who longs to be vulnerable... accepted just as he/she is.
4. Don't commit to your church out of some "consumer" mentality. Church isn't a PLACE. Church isn't as much a place for you to get something as much as it is a place for you participate. Don't go to church and rate the sermon, worship, and activities. When you go, participate in the sermon, worship, and activities. Do you show up, sit, stand, sing, sit stand, watch, pick up your kids and go home? That sounds lame if that's all it is. Participation might be what you're challenged to do.
5. It's hard to be overly critical of your church or your pastor if you view church as YOU. As US. If church is viewed as US rather than a place we go, then any criticism is easier to lace with love and gentleness because you're talking about yourself... about the body of Christ... about the Bride for which He's coming back.
The next blog is written and will be coming soon, "Clouds and Manna".
2 comments:
I think the pressure that pastors often feel to be "good", or perfect - isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be good, so long as the pastor is living authentically within his church.
Grace is the responsiblity of everyone in the church. Whether or not you receive it when you want it, doesn't mean you don't have to give it.
Joe, I think that grace on your part is bigger than just being apologetic; I think it's validating their hurts, allowing them space to process their emotions, understanding that wounds take time to heal, realizing that words aren't enough to mend sometimes, being open to the anger and sadness and rejection that comes from offending somebody. Intentionality many times doesn't matter in the emotional realm.
The expectations of pastors for most people in the church, I think are: to be wise, kind, loving, pure of heart, hospitable, able to teach... When others see that their pastor (the one who models these values for their church) fails in that area it hurts (as in any relationship). Most react by severing the relationship. That's because people don't have a true understanding of community and intimacy. They don't have any good examples of it either, including the church.
The church has a defined culture right now in America: the few high clergy, the exploited volunteer, and the numerous spectators that make up the crowd. A pastor can preach every Sunday about "being the church", and "everyone's a minister"... but the actual church culture is forming people more than the message - and church culture says so much clearer and louder that volunteers and people in the crowd don't matter unless they get onboard the boat the pastor is driving. The stage, lights, microphones, screens, etc. all shout "Look at me! Listen to me! Follow me!" So what do people do? Exactly that. And when pastors screw up, people get offended, and leave; searching again for the Jesus Christ they so desperately need to witness in the church. There's nothing uglier than a body with a head that doesn't match.
I agree that it's not about one person/pastor to be that. The Bible says that the church (the people) is the body of Christ, not the pastor. However, the church today has set up too many hinderances to the true expression of Jesus Christ. Now it's all about good music, creative productions, eloquent speech, fun events, cool environments... as if Jesus Christ only exists in artforms. He more radically exists in the expressions of our relationships with each other in community.
I've noticed that pastors often blame their congregations for being flaky and critical, just like people blame their pastors for being dumb and irresponsible. Everyone's complaining and no one is listening. The real problem lies with the church itself - it's structure, it's values, it's relationships, it's dynamics, it's culture.
I look forward to the day when people begin to realize and live within a vibrant expression of Jesus Christ within a community. A group of people so passionate about God, each other, and inviting the outsiders in. A church in it's rawest form: counter-cultural, supernatural, beautifully chaotic.
About your 5 thoughts:
1. Doesn't that depend on your definition of church? That committment sometimes means leaving the institutional church.
2. I think pastors are given room to screw up if they are who they profess and act and teach to be. I think problems arise if people sense hypocrisy.
3. Humility and authenticity are the pastor's greatest assets to being accepted as real people.
4. If the church, and their pastors cannot embrace criticism it will cease to be a true, relevant, Christ centered, God glorifying community of believers. In many ways it already is becoming this.
The average church attender is given such mindless, cumbersome, insignificant opportunities to participate in the worship of God at typical church gatherings. We are told: sing this song, listen to this word, watch this video, write this down... further enforcing the "us and them" clause. What if church was a gathering where everyone had prepared something to share; some food, a thought, a song, a poem, a drawing, money, a scripture, some clothes, a joke, a story... so that everyone is edified? Too many pastors want to be the center of attention in the gathering - and in so doing, block people from seeing/experiencing the awesome Spirit of Christ.
Pastors treat their congragations like consumers - so the crowd often acts like consumers by being choosy and egocentric themselves. Do pastors really have a reason to be upset about this? They trained them!
What I'm always faced with is this challenge to "be" the church - even though the "church" isn't always the best place to be Christ-like.
5. Criticism is often seen as a dissention in the church (by pastors - especially ones with big egos), when it's usually a plea from someone to be heard. It's interesting how prophets always rose from the underbelly of society - those without a voice, God gave His own voice.
Joe, if you ever want to grab a bite or some coffee - I'd like to dialogue with you about this.
Nice blog. I have no idea what its about but I liked reading it. I liked you as a pastor.
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